Just Another Day...In The American Dream



Jamie Dimon CEO of J.P.Morgan is crooning like an old nightclub act…”Life wasn’t meant to be easy, but CASH sure can be!”

The jingle is played in a nauseous scratchy melody over and over on the boat’s public address system.
“When Life’s troubles…”  abruptly ending in mid-sentence.
Then…a hushed silence filled with murmurings ensues as the vessel creaks slightly and swishes by, and Jamie begins whistling to himself an old office favorite:

‘Oh! The best way to rob a Bank is to own one, yes to own one lock, stock and barrel…'

Champagne bottles clink together on the Logo embedded carpet in an imitation of a John Cage musical accompaniment.

Now heave hoe me hearties and let’s show them the true meaning of Christmas! 

His voice is a booming echo down the glass and granite canyon, receiving mostly blank stares from the assembled crowd.

Jamie puffs up his chest and stretches himself to his full, extremely ordinary height, puffing mightily on his cigar and attempting to look like a cross between Captain Ahab and Napoleon Bonaparte, but he merely succeeds in looking like that chain-smoking guy who takes your ticket stub on the Ferris Wheel.

First we Pillage, then we Plunder!
Heave hoe as we plow them under…

His reverie interrupted by a bleep from his Publicity and Stage Manager, Jamie manages to collect himself, wipes some innocuous white powder from his chin, adjusts his Nautical cap at a jaunty angle, and stands bolt upright as he clutches the microphone stand grimly like a man standing on a merry-go-round, and he begins reading from the prepared speech on his sleeve.

His papers have long since blown away and reception is null and void as if a fuzzy blanket of anti-particles had just enveloped the entire granite valley...

“…and I would like to thank the good people of the West Side of Manhattan squeals the speaker on board...for giving me this Birthday wish and allowing me to flood this Animal...er, er Enema...

No, I mean Avenue”.

Some cat-calls, cheers and polite applause.

He continues blithely unaware, a reckless swaggart at the helm of 'The Ship Of Fools'...

"I christen her : The Seriously Rich III, on account of the fact that Seriously Rich I and II are just simply not large enough, besides, I need all the rooms I can get with my fabulous Art collection…"

"Do you people realize that I have, in my personal…" the audio whistles and squeals like a wounded creature, and cuts out briefly, as another bleep interrupts his ramblings…as if recovering from sleep, and like some clock-work puppet, Jamie resumes his speech as though nothing had happened :

"...and, and I dedicate her in honor of the Good Little People of downtown Manhattan."

There is just a hint of an audible sob…

"those salt of the earth Americans, God bless em!", the emotion in his voice is now palpable, as he wipes a tear and holds his other hand close to his heart.

"They've got more get up and go in them, more of the real American spirit than you could shake a Polo stick at!" his eyes begin to glaze over, his pupils are going in and out, and he starts to mumble…

"In fact my friends and I have often in the past, placed enormous bets on who will…" he staggers briefly, muffled noises ensue as faceless men below deck suddenly appear at his side.

A rather frantic bleeping commences and Jamie suddenly peers quizzically into the distance as if his surroundings were completely alien and unfamiliar to him.

As if he were 'tuning' into the Big Enchilada himself, and could personally hear his booming voice in the clouds, speaking alternately with a noticeably foreign accent, or, one of a lower-east side origin.

There is much evident chatter as Jamie listens intently on his ear-piece, nodding periodically, he finally staggers forward and launches into another obsequious display of dripping sentiment from the prepared text…mysteriously, mercifully, the audio squealed once again like something in the final throes of being strangled to death and dropped out at this point.

Foxnews naturally have a Chopper hovering, along with a surveillance Drone.

They zoom in, capture and edit this moving, stirring historic moment and stream it LIVE as Breaking News…!

Every commentator on Fox remarkably manages to reference his ’moving and powerful speech’ using the same precise phraseology somewhere in their gleefully, bubbling and spontaneously witty dialogues with each other for the entire 24 hour ‘News’ cycle, in another extraordinary conversational co-incidence …sigh…

It’s just another day in the American Dream.

POPULAR POSTS in order of popularity